Building Empathy and Understanding: A Guide for Partners of Individuals with ADHD

Building Empathy Between Partners With ADHD

All relationships have areas of contention and conflict. It can be challenging to sustain empathy for a partner. This can be even more difficult when your partner is neurodivergent and is thus more prone to executive dysfunction. If you struggle little with executive functioning skills, it may be difficult to understand your ADHD partner's challenges.  You might feel like your partner “should” be able to do something better, easier, or quicker. Building empathy and understanding for a partner with ADHD often feels like an uphill battle.

To explain executive dysfunction simply, the brain chemistry of a person with ADHD means that their frontal lobe area doesn’t have the same brain wave activity as someone who doesn’t have ADHD. The frontal lobe area is responsible for skills that involve time management, planning, execution of tasks, and tracking activities. With less frontal lobe activity, it's harder to execute these skills.   

When these skills feel natural to you, you may not even have conscious awareness that you are using them. This ease makes it very difficult to understand why your partner struggles in these areas.  In my Silver Lake practice, I’ve seen how the tracking and completion of tasks can become unbalanced in relationships. 

I hope you may find these considerations useful to building understanding and empathy towards your ADHD partner.

Stop The Noise

Your frustrations about your partner's struggles are normal.  It's typically the destructive thought processes that occur when we are frustrated that cause problems.  Try to identify and challenge yourself if you have a noisy brain full of critical thoughts. Thoughts like “Gosh JUST write it down in a calendar” or “How hard can it be to remember this?” are not useful to you, they will just stimulate more agitation. ADHD is a complex experience, try to remember that if the problems had a simple “fix”, your partner would have fixed it by now. Regulate your cognitions by using mindfulness techniques like deep breaths or thought noticing. 

Remember It Didn’t Start With You

ADHD is a lifelong experience. Try to remember that what is happening in the moment is something your partner has struggled with in multiple other areas of their life. The struggle is real for them. You may even try to ask what it was like at school or at home growing up with ADHD. Most people with ADHD have difficult memories and experiences. Listening to your partner's history can help you feel more understanding.  

Slow Down and Set Boundaries

People who have ADHD can function well in the world. They can get things done, get good jobs, and take care of their families. BUT it's not automatic. They need systems in place. Each person with ADHD is unique, so what systems they need depends on their areas of challenge. Dropping a request for something to be done as your partner is walking by usually won't work for someone with ADHD. You need to clearly communicate that you are depending on the person to do something. Have them make eye contact with you, give them time to process the information, and give them a moment for them to use whatever system they have in place that helps them get tasks completed. Then wait to see if they do it, and if they don’t talk about it with them. Try to avoid jumping in and doing it yourself. Remain steady in your boundary that you do need your partner to follow through. 

Decrease Resentment

Overall you want to take the steps above to decrease resentment. The psychologist Carl Rogers said that resentment was the killer to relationships. I have found this to be true in my psychotherapy practice. Taking the steps above can take time, but they help lower resentment. When resentment is down we have more capacity for empathy and understanding of those who have ADHD. 

State the Positives

This is true in all relationships, you’ve got to have more positive interactions than negative ones. Humans with ADHD are typically used to hearing more about their problems than their success. Make sure you highlight the positive behaviors of your partner. This decreases defensive responses and allows for conversations about things that aren’t working to be more productive. Positivity should be a two way street. When negativity is dominant it may be time to seek help.